


someone you loved

by ahale



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Angst, Drug Addiction, Hurt Spencer Reid, Suicide, no happy ending, sad!spencer reid, the bau team sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:01:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26784823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahale/pseuds/ahale
Summary: and spencer wonders if it was his fault this whole time.or, the one where spencer notices 5 the bau stop caring about him, and the one time where it breaks him.
Relationships: Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Comments: 10
Kudos: 168





	someone you loved

Like most things did, it started off slow. Spencer was far from dumb; he noticed the red flags like they were bright, neon signs. He just chose not to confront them about it. He was too scared of what he would be told, too scared of the inevitable.

The first time he noticed was with Hotch and Rossi. Them three were the only ones left in the BAU. Hotch had given him a stack of case files, telling him the others were too tired to finish them after the case they just had. Spencer didn't think much of it. The case was a hard one, a man kidnapping, torturing boys. What was even more frustrating is that his M.O was different each time. He even killed them at different times, some a few days after kidnapping, some weeks, some only hours. Unfortunately, they left without catching him.

Plus, he could read faster than any of them. He was halfway done when Hotch and Rossi emerged from Hotch's office. "Leaving?" Reid called out to them.

They looked as if they wanted to ignore him, but Spencer brushed it off. "Yeah, we're meeting the team for drinks." Rossi said.

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows. "Oh? I thought they were tired?" He said, voice full of confusion instead of sarcasm, letting them know it was a genuine question.

Hotch let out an exasperated sigh. "Well, I guess they changed their mind."

Spencer internally flinched at the tone of Hotch's voice. He knew that tone. It was the one he used when a cop at whatever local PD they were helping was being too hostile towards him. Hearing that tone directed at him made his heart ache.

"Could I maybe come? The case we just went on was kind of hard, I could use some fam-" Rossi cut him off, not giving Spencer the chance to tell them he just wanted to spend time with them; his family.

"Listen, Reid." Hs started off, sounding a bit annoyed. "We see you almost everyday, we hear your voice every day. We need a break from you to enjoy and talk with each other without you spitting out some useless fact like always. Alright?"

Spencer was staring at him dumbfounded. For once, Spencer Reid was speechless. He had grown fond of Rossi, looking up to him after Gideon left. Hearing those words come out of his mouth hurt like hell. But what was even worse, was how Hotch nodded his head.

Spencer saw Hotch as like an older brother in away, the one where the mother would pawn the younger child onto him. He used to be protective of Spencer, calling out anyone who tried to take advantage of his young age or said something rude to him.

Spencer just nodded, and Rossi smiled and clapped a hand on his shoulder. For a second, he thought maybe they weren't mad at him. That was until he saw Rossi throw and eye roll towards Hotch that he thought Spencer couldn't see. It took him another two hours to finish the case files. That night, he went home to an empty apartment with an ache in his heart and an all too familiar itch on his arm.

The next time he noticed was with JJ. He had stopped speaking as much, tried to stop himself from spewing out statistics like he usually does. He hoped someone, anyone, would notice.

All he did was wait for an "are you okay?" that never came.

He was walking into the BAU with his head down. He hasn't properly slept in weeks. He couldn't seem to get his brain to shut off from the nightmares and overthinking. He had a coffee in his hand as usual before he ran into someone, spilling it all over the both of them.

"Spencer, what the hell?" JJ said, jumping back.

"JJ, I am so sorry. I wasn't paying attention." Spencer rushed out.

"Yeah, obviously." She rolled her eyes. "This is a white shirt, just great."

"You know, I know some thing that would get that to come right out. I know a list of things, actually. You need ba-" He didn't get to finish before JJ cut him off.

"For fucks sake, just stop." She shouted, getting attention from the others. "I don't need your stupid list, or whatever, I need you to not spill your damn coffee on me, Reid." She stormed off with that, leaving Spencer behind.

He watched the others either roll their eyes or shake their head at him. He made his way to his desk, avoiding eye contact and trying to ignore the pain in his chest from JJ calling him Reid instead of Spence.

He didn't speak for the rest of the day.

The next two red flags came from Emily and Morgan. They were working another case in Atlanta. No matter how hard he tried, the pain in his heart never went away. They sent him cold stares, brushed him off whenever he tried to talk to them.

He was currently looking over the case file when Hotch spoke up. "Prentiss and Reid, I need you two to go talk to the parents of the victim, find out as much about her as possible."

Emily sighed as Spencer went to stand up. "Can someone else go with Reid? I can't deal with listening to his bullshit the whole time."

Spencer gaped at her before quickly looking away. He blinked away tears, and he figured someone would have at least said something to defend him. Instead, the local PD snickered, making him feel nauseous. "Fair." Hotch said, making his heart break more.

"I'll go alone." Reid muttered. It struck them as strange for once, the quiet tone of his voice. They didn't mention it, though.

"Reid, I can't-" Spencer cut him off, doing the one thing that made ignoring his pain bearable: facts.

"Statistically speaking, it would probably be better if I went alone. Most parents of victims feel intimidated when more than one c-"

"Oh my god, Reid." Morgan snapped. "Do you ever stop talking? Just go, no need to recite an entire encyclopedia." Morgan shook his head.

Spencer gulped as the PD snickered again. He turned on his heel without another word, leaving the police station. Morgan was his best friend. He never would've thought he would hear that come from him, or even Emily.

It was then that he stopped denying what was the truth; they're getting tired of him. Reid can't say he blames them. He's too awkward, too clumsy. He speaks too much about pointless information that they probably didn't even want to know. But he thought that was why they loved him.

The final blow came from Garcia. He was having a bad day, the urge to relapse stronger than ever. All he wanted was someone to talk to, for someone to tell him that they loved him.

He walked into Garcia's office, her turning around a bit to see who it was. Spencer thought she wouldn't have been like the others; Garcia loves everyone, especially her little team. But when sigh sighs, saying, "What can I do you for, Reid?" in a monotonous voice, his heart dropped.

"I was just hoping we could talk?" He asks, going to sit in the chair beside her. However, he wasn't able to when she drops her bag into she seat before he can sit down. "Busy." She let out a sharp response.

"Oh," Spencer stood there awkwardly, feeling his heart start cracking again. "I was just have bad day and was hoping we could-" He didn't get a chance to finish. 

She turned around sharply in her chair. "What, Reid? I'm busy enough without you breathing down my neck, everyones neck. It's like you can't handle dealing with your problems alone, so you have to take them out on everyone else. Just like when you were using, but at least you aren't as rude." She rolled her eyes, not even recalling the words that left her mouth.

Spencer heard her loud and clear. He could feel the tears threatening to spill, and this time he let them fall freely. "Using?" He whispered. "You knew?"

"How could we not?" Garcia shouted. "You treated everyone terribly, I'm surprised everyone even forgave you."

He ignored it even though it hurt like hell. "Everyone knew?" He whispered, more to himself. "Everyone fucking knew and no one cared enough to even say anything? No one even cared."

Garcia's eyes widened like she just realized what she said. "Spencer-"

Spencer couldn't even comprehend what she was saying. Instead he turned on his heel and walked out of the room. He walked quickly, trying to make it to his desk to get a few things. He was lost in thought as he walked. The words "no one cared" ran through his mind, as well as he recalled all the events from the past week. He wonders, did they forgive him? He was now thinking that maybe the team just weren't having a bad day whenever they snapped on him.

And now Spencer wonders if it was his fault the whole time.

He finally made it to the glass doors, but what he saw made his heart shatter. The team was standing around, sans Garcia, laughing and talking. Spencer wonders if they even notice he was gone. 

And then he thinks, no. They probably don't. All they know is they have break from the too-talkative Doctor for once. He outs his hand in his pocket, filling the small, folded piece of paper that he's been contemplating about for the past few weeks. 

He made his decision then, walking into the BAU to Hotch's office. None of the team looked up at him, and he was a bit glad. Once he reached his office, he pulled his resining letter out of his packet, placing it neatly onto Hotch's desk. He pulled out his gun, taking off his badge to set them on top of the paper.

With one final look out towards the people he used to call family, he quietly left the building. 

Once he got home, he went straight to the bathroom. He reached under the sink for the two familiar bottles. Once he found them, he smiled. He felt a sense of peace when the needle stuck into his arm. He lost control for once, not knowing it would also be the last time.

It took the team a day to realize Spencer wasn't coming back. They immediately went to his apartment to talk to him and apologize, not realizing how much they had hurt the younger agent. They'd never forget the scene they walked in on, and it changed them all forever.

Spencer Reid died in his apartment the day he resigned from the BAU, alone and heartbroken.


End file.
